Tuesday, June 7, 2011

I've lied to myself... a lot.

My folks and I spent the last few days in Colorado with my brother and his family.  We had a lovely trip, for the most part, including a trip to the zoo, a cog wheel train ride to the summit of Pike's Peak, a quick look at Garden of the Gods, and a 3rd birthday party for my niece, Bekka.

But we're not here to talk about my mini vacay, so let's get on with it.

I've lied to myself… a lot.

I’m sure that’s normal.  We probably all have truths about ourselves we don’t want to face.  My lie, of course, is that I want to lose weight just to be healthy.  And sure, that’s part of it.  But really, I want to be skinny so I can stop thinking I’m ugly. 

Ok, ok.  I know I’m not ugly.  The rational, sane, unemotional part of me knows that I’m not completely unattractive.  I think I can be classified as cute.  Add in my winning personality and I might just be pretty.  But I hang out with a group of gorgeous ladies.   Gorgeous ladies who are just as smart and just as funny as I am, so my inner beauty gets lost in the abundance of their outer beauty and I feel like the ugly duckling of the group. 

I just want to take a minute right here and directly say that I’m not looking for sympathy or fishing for compliments.  I’m not writing this so that I’ll get comments telling me how beautiful I am.  I’m truly not.  I’m just trying to be completely honest, with both myself, and with you.  With me so that I can get to the root of why I eat the way I do and with you so that you can either get a look at the psyche of a someone who struggles with weight or you can see that you’re not alone.  Ok.  There’s my disclaimer.  Back to what I was saying.  What was I saying?

So yeah, my friends are all stunningly gorgeous.  And sometimes when we go out, I let it get to me.  I watch them get asked to dance and approached by men (both cute and creepy) as I get ignored.  I mean, I've literally stood there as the girl on my right turns down a dance, watched the guy look me over, and then ask the girl on my left to dance.   That hurts.  That really hurts.  And I’m convinced that it’s because I’m the biggest in my group.

So I guess, as shallow as it sounds, I want to lose weight so that men will talk to me.  I wish that wasn’t the case.  I wish I could find someone who likes me in this body, but how can I expect someone else to like me when I don’t like me?

That statement, “I don’t like me,” is misleading.  I like myself.  I really do.  I think I’m smart, funny, loyal, a good friend, rational, driven, adventurous, and a bit daring.  I like me.  I just don’t like my physical form.  Actually, it’s not even that.  I just dislike my belly.  And my double chin. 

So because I don’t want to seem like a shallow, boy crazy female,  I tell myself that I’m doing this (working out, eating better, etc…) just for the health benefits, but let’s get real.  I’m doing it because if I don’t,  I’m scared I’ll end up alone for the rest of my life.  Good times.

This photo of a tree in a field of rocks was taken on the way up to Pike's Peak.  It's amazing how resilient plants (animals, people) can be when faced with less than optimal conditions.  I love this little tree.  I hate to be corny and say it represents me, but... 

1 comment:

  1. Real Talk.

    There is a good and valid reason that the saying "honesty is the best policy" get's tossed around like a hot potato. If you are dishonest with yourself how can anyone ever trust that you would also be honest with them? I know exactly what you're talking about if you don't like yourself you can't expect someone else too. I told you at the start of this that about a year ago I let myself go and gained about 30lbs. It was horrible... mainly because I was so horrible to myself personally. I hated everything about me. I hated my smile because it made my fat cheeks swell up and make my eyes squinty, I hated my arms because they swelled up like water balloons... I hated my thighs because I couldn't wear anything except jeans for longer than an hour or two because the chaffing of my legs hurt so bad... The biggest thing I hated was myself. I felt like a failure- I felt like a slob, and I felt like I could never be the person I felt inside on the outside ever again.

    Hard work pays off. I promise you, and the fact that you're honest with yourself with these things will help motivate you to stay true to yourself but it will also help you recognize when those self depreciating feelings start creeping in.

    If you allow yourself to submerge under a sea of self negativity you will drown yourself. You have to revamp your thinking and know that you are doing all you can to make your quality of life better. Positive attitudes radiate, and confidence can't be taken away from someone. People, including men are attracted to confident, pleasant women- if you're standing there staring at a man wondering if he's going to ask you to dance with a worried look like "I hope he doesn't see how hard this is on me..." Why would he ask you? But if you stood there with a spark in your eye like "I dare you to ask me..." He's going to be intrigued by that spark.

    You are the master of your domain. Own it, work it, and morph yourself into what you want to be. We all know you can, and we all know what an amazing girl you are.

    Pep talk concluded: AND BREAK! haha <3