I've lied to myself... a lot.

My folks and I spent the last few days in Colorado with my brother and his family.  We had a lovely trip, for the most part, including a trip to the zoo, a cog wheel train ride to the summit of Pike's Peak, a quick look at Garden of the Gods, and a 3rd birthday party for my niece, Bekka.

But we're not here to talk about my mini vacay, so let's get on with it.

I've lied to myself… a lot.

I’m sure that’s normal.  We probably all have truths about ourselves we don’t want to face.  My lie, of course, is that I want to lose weight just to be healthy.  And sure, that’s part of it.  But really, I want to be skinny so I can stop thinking I’m ugly. 

Ok, ok.  I know I’m not ugly.  The rational, sane, unemotional part of me knows that I’m not completely unattractive.  I think I can be classified as cute.  Add in my winning personality and I might just be pretty.  But I hang out with a group of gorgeous ladies.   Gorgeous ladies who are just as smart and just as funny as I am, so my inner beauty gets lost in the abundance of their outer beauty and I feel like the ugly duckling of the group. 

I just want to take a minute right here and directly say that I’m not looking for sympathy or fishing for compliments.  I’m not writing this so that I’ll get comments telling me how beautiful I am.  I’m truly not.  I’m just trying to be completely honest, with both myself, and with you.  With me so that I can get to the root of why I eat the way I do and with you so that you can either get a look at the psyche of a someone who struggles with weight or you can see that you’re not alone.  Ok.  There’s my disclaimer.  Back to what I was saying.  What was I saying?

So yeah, my friends are all stunningly gorgeous.  And sometimes when we go out, I let it get to me.  I watch them get asked to dance and approached by men (both cute and creepy) as I get ignored.  I mean, I've literally stood there as the girl on my right turns down a dance, watched the guy look me over, and then ask the girl on my left to dance.   That hurts.  That really hurts.  And I’m convinced that it’s because I’m the biggest in my group.

So I guess, as shallow as it sounds, I want to lose weight so that men will talk to me.  I wish that wasn’t the case.  I wish I could find someone who likes me in this body, but how can I expect someone else to like me when I don’t like me?

That statement, “I don’t like me,” is misleading.  I like myself.  I really do.  I think I’m smart, funny, loyal, a good friend, rational, driven, adventurous, and a bit daring.  I like me.  I just don’t like my physical form.  Actually, it’s not even that.  I just dislike my belly.  And my double chin. 

So because I don’t want to seem like a shallow, boy crazy female,  I tell myself that I’m doing this (working out, eating better, etc…) just for the health benefits, but let’s get real.  I’m doing it because if I don’t,  I’m scared I’ll end up alone for the rest of my life.  Good times.

This photo of a tree in a field of rocks was taken on the way up to Pike's Peak.  It's amazing how resilient plants (animals, people) can be when faced with less than optimal conditions.  I love this little tree.  I hate to be corny and say it represents me, but... 

Eating makes me feel guilty

It doesn’t seem to matter what I eat, or how much I eat, nine times out of ten I feel guilty afterwards.  Unless it’s something that is undeniably healthy like an apple or something, I’m going to feel guilty for cramming it down my gullet.  Unfortunately, the guilt doesn’t set in until I’ve already eaten it.  It would be much more helpful if my healthy food conscience would stop me before I went through the drive through.

I’ve heard the term “Food Addict” thrown around a few times (fine, I heard it on Oprah, whatevs,)  but I wasn’t really sure if it’s a real thing or if it’s just something fat people with no will power claim to be.  So I did what anyone with a question and a Wi-Fi connection would do; I Googled it. 

Blog shout-outs make Oprah happy.

Apparently it’s real.  Very real.  12 Step Program real.  Huh, who knew?  The website is foodaddictsanonymous.com and their mission statement is, “Recovering together one day at a time from the biochemical disease of food addiction.”  Biochemical disease of food addiction.  Ok then.

I started browsing the website wondering if I’m a food addict.  It would be kinda awesome if I was.  That way I could blame my lack of self-control on a disease. An addiction.  How can I be upset with myself if my food consumption is beyond my control?  My “addiction” could be my scapegoat and my lack of will power can finally be left alone. 

Unsurprisingly I do fit the profile of a food addict.  Shocking.   Apparently a food addict is anyone who yo-yo diets, has a legit eating disorder (bulimia, anorexia,) feels depressed or ashamed about their weight/eating, uses food as a reward or comforter, or avoids social outing because of feeling too unattractive to attend.  That’s me.  I can check off all of those except the eating disorder. 

Ok.  So I’m a food addict.  Now I just need to follow the FAA (Food Addicts Anonymous) eating guide, go through the 12 steps, and get a sponsor, then I’ll be thinner, more spiritually balanced, and happier than I’ve been in years!  Problem solved!

Too bad I don’t really believe in “food addiction” or in any way think it’s a genuine disease.   Sure, their eating guide looks spot on, and it’s always good to have someone keeping you accountable, but I think calling it a food addiction is taking the easy way out.  Like I said, I’d love to say, “Oh it’s not my fault I ate Taco Bell.  I have a disease,” but come on.  Just man up and say, “I ate something I shouldn’t have and I’m going to suffer the consequences.  I’ll try not to do it again.”  Accept responsibility for yourself and take care of your problems.

Of course, like most pieces of advice, that’s easier said than done.  Especially in this society where there’s an excuse for every perceived shortcoming out there.  There’s an addiction, a syndrome, a condition, a chemical imbalance for every aspect of your personality you don’t like.  And of course, most of them are legit.  But, a lot of them aren’t.  Food addiction is one that isn’t. 

Take that, Oprah.

No one goes against The Oprah!

Oh food, you and I have had our problems...

I have serious issues with food. 

I think my main problem is that I’m way, way too picky.  And, at times, a vegetarian.  Do know how many options there are for picky vegetarians?  Not many.

Two things I wish I liked are tofu and mushrooms.  The staples in any good vegetarian’s diet are mushrooms and tofu.  They’re used primarily as meet substitutes (they are really good protein sources) and can be molded into just about any food type.  Seriously.  Chicken, beef, turkey, pork, and seafood can all be replicated using tofu or mushrooms. But I can't handle the texture.  The... squishiness makes my stomach turn.  I just can't eat it.  

  I’m also not a big fan of a lot of vegetables.  The aforementioned mushroom, onion, broccoli, cauliflower, eggplant, squash, zucchini, beets, parsnips, radishes…  Now some of these I can tolerate inside of something else, but they have to be pretty well hidden for me to eat them.  Oh! Olives.  Don’t like olives. 

You know what I do like?  Potatoes.  Baked, mashed or fried, I like ‘em.   I also like cheese.  Melt it, throw in some jalapenos, and serve it with a bowl of chips and I’ll love you for life.   Pizza is good as long as it’s not covered with the vegetable mentioned above.  Or sausage or peperoni.   Refried beans are good, so are black beans.  Actually, just about any Mexican food item is ok in my book.  And of course I like chips, chocolate milk, those little chocolate donut things, cookies and cream ice cream sandwiches, Pepsi, Taco Bell, chili cheese fries, Chinese food, and breakfast tacos (Maria’s Taco Express on S. Lamar in Austin TX has the absolute best breakfast tacos, hands down; I used to live across the street.  If that’s not a match made in Heaven, I don’t know what is.)

Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives featuring Maria's Taco Express, Austin TX

And I do like some veggies – carrots, cucumber, celery, spinach (raw, not cooked,) tomato, bell pepper, corn, lettuce (Romaine, preferably.  Iceberg lettuce has absolutely no nutritional value,) peas, green beans, asparagus, okra, sweet potato, uh, maybe a few others.  And I like a lot of fruits. Bananas, apples, grapes, oranges, various melons, and the rest of your every day produce section.

You know, looking over this list I realize that maybe I’m not a picky eater, maybe I’m just not an adventurous eater.  I don’t know.  All I really know is that the worse it is for me, the more I like it.  No joke.  And I’m sure that most people are like that.   Add in the fact that I have very little self-control and you end up with me weighing as much as a small elephant. 

Ohhh, food.  It’s a love hate relationship.  I love it, but it hates me.  Actually, maybe it loves me too, that’s why it sticks around so long.  Huh?  Food for thought? Pun intended.

I fell off the wagon...

and I fell hard.

OK.  So I've badly neglected my blog.  I know, I know.  Honestly, I'm embarrassed and disappointed. I thought that this blog would make me feel as though I was being held accountable, but it didn't make me feel that way at all.

For those of you reading who have read each posting, please don't take this personally:  The reason I didn't feel like I was being held accountable is because very few people were reading.  And that bothered me.  No matter how much I told myself that I didn't need big numbers, I still felt a little... stranded each week when I saw fewer readers than the week before.  I felt like people didn't really care about my struggle.  Then I'd mentally smack myself in the face telling myself to stop being so self involved.  Why should they care about my weight issues?  I'm the one who got fat; it's not the fault of my friends and family.  Why should they be punished for my failures?   But ultimately the sulking (overly sensitive) part of my ego won out, and when I got hurt I just quit writing.

Last weekend I went to the beach with a lovely group of girls and made some new friends.  One new friend advertised her blog* on fb tonight, so I checked it out.  One of her recent entries is a brutally honest and detailed account of how much she hates her body.  I was shocked.  This girl is gorgeous.  And it made me sad to see how she sees herself.  It also renewed my interest in this blog.   So I'm back.  TA-DA!

I think the last time I wrote, I'd just run a full 3 miles without stopping.  I'd gone to the track with my mom, started walking at a good pace, gotten shin splints, and decided to run instead.  Next thing I know 45 minutes have passed and I'm completing the last lap of 3 miles.  I finished (at a pace slower than a normal walk, I'm sure) and then stumbled my way over to my mom to celebrate with her.   2 days later I did it again.  This time I ran in circles through our living room, office, dining room, and kitchen wearing a pedometer.  By the time I got done with the full three miles, I couldn't put any weight on my foot.

At first I thought I'd simply burst a blood vessel (I do that often) but it still hurt the next day.  So I pulled out the walking cast and the crutches and resigned myself to getting through yet another injury.  I wore the boot everyday for a month or so taking it off only to sleep, shower, and pass a physical for the new job.  During that time, I pretty much didn't workout.  I did a couple of seated upper body weight/cardio workouts, but that's it.  And I continued to eat.  Gradually I started gaining weight  And I do mean gradually.

I kinda wish I'd gained it all back over the course of three days so that I could look in the mirror and say, "Gross.  Get your stuff together girl."  Instead, I've put on 10 pounds over the course of two months.   And with gradual weight gain, you can kid yourself into thinking it's not there.  You look in the mirror and think, "Nope.  Nothing's changed."  The you head to the kitchen and eat.  It's not until you realize that you can't button your jeans anymore that you accept the fact that you've gained weight.

Right now, I hate my body.  HATE it.  I don't have a pair of jeans that fit, I had to buy shorts 2 sizes bigger than the ones I bought 3 months ago, my boobs are back to their out-of-control size, and I feel absolutely disgusting.  And any self consciousness I'd lost is now back with a vengeance.

I mentioned my trip to the beach last weekend.  And while I had a really, really lovely time with the girls, not for one second did I forget that I was the biggest girl there.  They wore bikinis on the beach, I wore shorts and a tank top.  They got hit on when we went out, I sulked in the corner (just the first night, the 2nd night I said, "Screw it," and had a much better time - still didn't get hit on.)  They wore cute little shorts and shirts while I wore either a tent disguised to look like a dress or workout shorts (elastic waste bands.)

So here we go again.  Back to square one.  I have 16 days until I leave for Hawaii.  I'm not crazy enough to think that things will be dramatically different by then, but I'm going to workout and eat like they will be.  I'm also going to write more than once a week.  I have a lot of dangerous emotions and thoughts right now, so I'm going to get them out.  Not dangerous like suicidal dangerous, but dangerous as in getting discouraged in my workout dangerous.

I'm not going to promise that I won't feel like I did before.  But I am going to try to rely on "reader support" a bit less and not be so sensitive about how many people read.  In general, I'm just going to try to be a little bit less ridiculous.

No promises.


*I don't know if my friend wants her blog advertised, so I'm not linking it.  LSL, if you're reading this, feel free to put a link in the comments section.  

Days 71 - 81

Oh my.  I totally forgot to update last week.  I apologize.  It just completely slipped my mind.  Probably because I've been laid up with a bum foot.  It's getting better though, so hopefully I can get back to running and working out.  I wanted to go for a run tomorrow, but my father doesn't want me to.  He doesn't want me pushing it and running too soon and ending up too hurt to start with Norwegian.  He's a smart guy, so I'm going to listen to him.  Grudgingly.  Cause seriously you guys, I want to run!

I was really, really, really worried about gaining weight because of this whole foot debacle, but I don't think it's been an issue.  I had a full physical last Wednesday and I'd actually lost weight.  Probably from dragging this stupid boot through malls and grocery stores.  After about 30 minutes or so it starts to weigh about 35 pounds, give or take.  

And once again, I was told by a close friend to chill out and stop obsessing. I was telling her how I don't understand not losing weight after working out 5 - 6 days a week.  She told me that I'm stressing myself out and need to stop worrying about it.  So that's what I'm trying to do.  Stop worrying about it. 

Which ultimately is what needs to happen.  I need to learn to be happy with myself no matter what a scale says.  Here's the thing.  I don't think I'm hideously ugly. What I hate are the restrictions being this size puts on my me.  I just hate getting winded walking up a fight of stairs.  I hate my stomach getting in the way.  I hate how my thighs rub together when I wear a skirt.  That's what I'm trying to change.  

So yes, I've been trying not to obsess.  I haven't weighed myself since I got hurt because if I can't workout I'm not going to punish myself for weight gained.  I've kept the same eating habits and not deprived myself of anything just because I'm not going running.  

Ok. That's where I am right now.  Hopefully I'll be able to get back into the swing of things later this week.  And I'll try not to forget to update on Thursday.

Days 63 - 70

Hello, all.  I'm posting early today because I'm going to Austin tonight and don't feel like taking my computer. Since it's just early afternoon, I won't be using the normal format talking about my food and workout and whatnot simply because the day is not over.

I've picked up a few new accessories recently.  Normally there's nothing I like more than a new bag or shoes or earrings. But I can definitely do without these new items.

I got this lovely boot (just the one, though)

And these two... Ok.  I don't know what in the accessory world these suckers resemble.

Here's the story.  Last Friday my mom and I headed to the local high school to do some walking on the track. We were just a couple hundred yards into what we planned on being a 3 mile walk when my shin splints (when the muscle pulls away from the bone causing pain, in my case, up the side of my lower leg) started acting up.  I stopped to stretch my calves while my mom continued on.  I stretched for a minute, then continued.  Another 300 or so yards and I had to stretch again.  Not wanting to stop and stretch every lap, I decided to run because it doesn't hurt for some reason.  Cut to an hour later and I'd run 3 miles.  Longest distance I've ever run (yay!).  

I woke up the next morning with my knee killing me.  I've had knee problems since I was in 5th grade when my first orthopedic surgeon diagnosed me with Osgood Slaughter's disease.  Osgood is a condition defined by the tendons on either side of the kneecap being different lengths.  In my case, the tendons on the inside are significantly shorter than the ones on the outside causing my kneecaps to point inward.  I grew up wearing knee braces and patella stabilizers and, for a short period of time, using medical tape to pull my kneecaps into place.  Adding to the knee problems, I developed tendinitis during my sophomore year of high school and it has not gone away.  The area directly below my right kneecap has been swollen for about 15 years now.  Good times.  So, knowing how bad my knees are, if I'd planned on running 3 miles I would have worn a brace or wrap chosen from the plethora stored in my house.

But I didn't, so I spent that Saturday hobbling around.  By that evening my knee was feeling much better, but my right foot had begun to ache, I thought from the added stress of limping.  I did an upper body workout sitting on an exercise ball putting absolutely no weight on my feet.  The next day, the pain in my foot was almost unbearable.  The pain was coming from the outer edge up toward the ankle bone.  Walking on my toe was no problem, so I just concentrated on keeping weight off my heal and went about my day.  That was Sunday.  By Monday evening the pain was barely noticeable, so I did the Jillian Michael's video making sure that at no time did all of my weight rest on my right foot.  I made it through most of the video and felt pretty satisfied.  Tuesday morning my foot was fine.  I spent the day walking normally and decided that another run was in order.  Here's where I become an idiot.

I was about half way into the first mile when my foot started hurting again.  But I ignored it.  I've always had a high tolerance for pain (it's not that I don't feel pain, I'm just seemingly able to deal with it longer than others) so I kept running.  I did stop for about 15 seconds when I felt a stabbing pain in the sole of my foot, but that passed quickly, so I picked it back up.  By the time I'd finished the 3 miles (for the second time!) I couldn't put any weight on my foot at all.  Now, 2 days later, it has not improved in the least.  And tomorrow I have my physical for Norwegian Cruise Line.  So in a bid to improve my foot before 2 o'clock tomorrow afternoon, I've pulled out the boot and the crutches.  The boot to keep the foot positioned properly and the crutches to keep every ounce of weight off of it.  

Yes.  This is my life.

I've been accident prone my entire life; probably why I have such a high tolerance for pain.  The trainer in my high school used to call my brothers and I his job security.  As long as at least one of us was on campus, there was a need for him.  Here's a quick rundown on my high school injuries: multiple concussions, broken zyphoid process (something my doctor nor any of his colleagues had ever seen, leave it to me), multiple broken toes, various fractures, and multiple pulled muscles.  I've had every sort of x-ray, MRI, cat scan, and body scan there is.  I've even had electroshock  therapy and ultrasound therapy.   I've gone through three orthopedic surgeons, the first was also the trainer for the Spurs.  So yeah.  I've spent some time injured.  

Because I've been hurt so much, I like to self medicate.  I've been treated so much that I feel like I can recognize the cause of the pain and take care of it on my own.  The fact that I don't have health insurance helps that belief.  

So that's where I am today.  Like I said, I'm going to Austin for the night, so I probably won't workout at all.  And I'll be eating out too, so I'll gain some weight, I'm sure.  Yay. 

Days 55 - 62

Hey guys.  Guess it's that time again.  Stats first.

Day 62 Weight: I forgot to weigh today, but yesterday I was at 184.5.  So lets assume that I lost half a pound or so and say that today I would have been at 184.  That's 2 more pounds this week, so I'm on track.

Day 62 Food:
Breakfast - Woke up late again and didn't eat breakfast
Lunch - Burrito with beans, cheese, salsa, lettuce, and sour cream.
Dinner - PB & J and one of those lunch box size packets of Cheetos.
Dessert - Cinnamon apple sauce

Day 62 Workout: Today I did some walking.  Walked 2 miles in 32 minutes.  I purely walked those two miles; no running.  So my time has picked up a bit. I didn't run because I went with my folks.  The idea was for the three of us to stay together and go the same pace - that didn't happen.  My dad wanted to look at the river and my mom wanted to read the new historical markers at the courthouse (we have the 28th oldest courthouse in the state of Texas, FYI).  Not gonna lie, felt a tiny bit like a kindergarten teacher trying to keep track of her class during a museum field trip.  So eventually I just let them go their own pace and picked mine up. I guess if I'd been alone I would have clocked an even faster time.  Eh.  Next time.

So this last week went well.  Didn't eat too horribly (even at my cousin's bridal shower) and worked out a bit.  Most of the workouts consisted of a mute Jillian Michaels.  Feeling pretty good.

Oh!  Wanted to day.  When I first began this weight loss journey I had to wear two sports bras to control the... blessings God gave me, even when power walking.  Tonight, I forgot to change bras.  I realized when I got home that I'd just worked out while wearing  a normal, everyday bra!  Yay for boobies shrinking!  Hopefully the rest of me will follow.

I'm leaving you with a short clip of Hal from  Malcolm in the Middle.  I never got too into the show, but my walk tonight made me think of an episode where Hal, the father (the best part of the show), gets into competitive speed walking.  He ends up in head to toe spandex and an aerodynamic helmet that had a tail.  Seriously funny stuff.  I can't find a clip of it online, but I still wanted to include Hal in thanks for the comedic inspiration he gave me during my walk tonight.

Still don't have a sign off, so this is what you're getting.  You can thank Ron Burgundy.

Stay classy San Diego!

Days 47 - 54

Hello there!  So quite a bit happened this week.  I ate better, worked out quite a bit and dropped a little over 2 pounds.  I'm ok with the slow weight loss.  Losing 2 pounds a week is allegedly the healthiest pace for weight loss.  That is equal to 8 - 10 pounds a month.  And that equals 50 pounds in 5 months.  So here we go.  No more stupid Nutrisystem, no crazy supplements, no HCG drops.  Just eating reasonably well and working out 5 - 6 days a week.  Good times :)

Also this week, I got a job!  So that stress is gone.  Yay!  I won't actually start work for 3 months or so (have to get numerous certifications and credentials before I am legal to start) so I'm looking for something part time just to have somewhere to go during the day.  But the stress of not having a job is gone!

So this job brings 2 new fitness goals with it.

1. I have to pass a physical.  That will take place probably in the next two weeks.
2. I have the pass a week long National Guard training course that culminates in a firefighter's test (pulling a body out of a fire and all that jazz) and a water rescue.  That one will probably happen in about 3 months.  No way do I want to be the fatty in the class who can't pass.

So yay for goals.  3 fitness goals!  (The first one being the trip to Nepal and hiking the Himalayas) Ahh, I feel good!  I've gotten my working out on track, now I just gotta rein in my eating.  One bad habit at a time I guess. 

Day 54 Weight: 186 - Down a little more than 2 pounds from last week.  Not bad; I'll take it.  It's much better that gaining 6 pounds like last week.

Day 54 Food: Not gonna lie, I ate horribly today.  I didn't even eat until after 4 pm.  But that's when I got hungry.  I got up this morning and was going to grab breakfast, but my stomach rolled at the idea of food, so I didn't eat.  I had some doughnuts at 4 something and then dinner (Sonic) around 6:30.  I promise you that I normally eat both breakfast and lunch, today I just couldn't.  

Day 54 Workout: Today I did the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred video, Level 2.  Good stuff man.  I still can't stand her though.  So she gets muted.  The video i much better that way.

Two more things I'm excited about, but have absolutely nothing to do with weight loss.  I found two recipes to try.  One for a home made hair removal wax and one for home made pore strips - think Biore strips.  I'm gonna try both of these this week.  I'll let you know how it works out.

I need to come up with a good sign off line.  Like, "Stay classy San Diego" or something.  Ideas? 

Days 40 - 46

OK.  So once a week is NOT gonna work for me.  Let me explain.  About a week and a half ago I was being my usual charming obsessive self when a few friends recommended that I take a step back (I think they meant calm the heck down) and start monitoring my weight on a weekly basis instead of a daily basis.  They felt I was driving myself insane by getting on the scale everyday.  So I thought I'd give it a try.  I got on the scale last Thursday, wrote my blog, went to Austin for the weekend, came back, didn't eat perfectly, but didn't eat horribly either, and then got on the scale this morning.  Last week I gained 6 pounds.  6 pounds.  I was shocked.  So no more.  I gotta stay on top of this.  I'm going back to weighing everyday and posting much more frequently.  

Day 46 Weight: 189.4 FAIL


Day 46 Food:
Breakfast - Nutrisystem Apple granola bar
Lunch - 2 slices pizza
Dinner - 1 slice pizza

Day 46 Workout: Went for a 2 mile run/walk.  Made 2 miles in 32 minutes, plus cool down.  Yesterday I downloaded this really cool app for my iPhone called Pedometer Pro.  It tracks distance, speed, calories burned, length of time spent working out, and steps.  You enter your weight and height and it gives you your Body Mass Index (it was lovely seeing my percentage followed by the beautiful word "obese") and lets you set goals as far as weight loss, toning, and endurance building.  And it used the GPS to track my route, so now I have a 2 mile lap through my neighborhood.  Oh!  And you can post your workout on FB through the app.  So I'm going to post it each day.  So if we're friends on FB and you haven't see something from me in a day or two, feel free to tell me to get up off my butt and go run.

Also, for workout today, I did two solid hours of yard work.  We have two huge trees in the front yard, so I raked the yard and picked up not all, but a large amount of sticks and twigs.  Good times.  I had to stop when I couldn't physically grip the rake anymore.

Nancy, I'm trying out your veggie lasagna recipe this week.  It looks really good; I'm excited :)

Have a good night all!

Day 33 - 39

Ok guys, this past week has be seriously frustrating.  Let me tell you why.

1. I'm bloody sic of Nutrisystem.  The food is still good, but it's the same thing day after day.  There's not a whole lot of variety for vegetarians (it's awesome that there's a veggie menu, there's just very little on it) then you add in the fact that I'm incredibly picky and that cuts my choices dramatically.  There are maybe 5 items from the lunch menu, and 3 from the dinner menu that I like, so I'm eating the same thing day after day after day.  It's getting really old.
2. I'm tired of not working out.  Especially right now.  I'm not working, so I'm at home all day sending out resumes.  I'd like nothing more than to go for a morning run and then maybe something else at night.  Not only would it burn some calories, but it would alleviate some of the monotony of my day.  
3. I keep giving in to my cravings.  A lot of this is because I'm sick of my diet, but no excuses.  I'll eat something I know I shouldn't then I spend the next few hours, days, weeks, berating myself for it.  You know, I read somewhere that naturally skinny people never think about food.  When they're hungry they eat, when they're not they don't, and the time in between is not spent thinking about what they will eat next.  I want to be that person.  But instead of being that person, I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about food, especially now when I have nothing else going on.  I think about food and my weight and my desire to be thin non-stop.  

So I'm changing things up once again.  Some days I'll do the Nutrisystem, some days I won't.  The days I don't I'll workout and I won't eat the crap I shouldn't.  I've been looking through my cookbooks and I've earmarked some recipes to try.   So I'm gonna do some grocery shopping and start cooking.  Maybe I can get my folks to eat it too.  Not to make them vegetarians, but to keep them out of a drive-thru.

Day 39 Weight: 182.6  Down 9.8 Pounds.  Not bad for 5 weeks, but I feel like it should be more; like it could be more.  My weigh has fluctuated so much that in all actuality I've probably lost somewhere between 15 and 20 pounds, but they've been duplicates.  I mean, at one point I was down to 180.something.  I'll never make my goal if I keep being weak and giving in to my cravings.  Gotta be stronger than this!

Day 39 Food:

Breakfast - Nutrisystem Granola Bar

Lunch - Taco Bell Bean and Cheese Burrito (FAIL)

Dinner - Whataburger Fish Filet Sandwhich and fries (Double FAIL)

Day 39 Workout: Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred level 1 workout.  I've been using this DVD for awhile and I really like it.  Cardio, strength, and abs in a 30 minute workout.  Very good.  The only problem is that Jillian Michaels is the host.  You know who she is, the mean trainer from The Biggest Loser.  I really, really can't stand her.  I don't like her on that show and I don't like her on the DVD.  So I set up my iPod, play my own music and put her on mute.  So it was nice.  A little Goldfrapp, David Gueta, Neon Trees and a whole lot of butt kicking.  

If you've not laughed yet today, scroll down.  I'm gifting you with some pics from tonight's workout.

As always, thanks so much for the support and for all of those who keep asking for new posts.  I appreciate it.

Days 25 - 32

OK wow.  I didn't realize it had been so long since I'd posted.  But I think I'm going to turn it into a weekly deal.  We'll see.

I've been pretty good about my food intake lately, eating only what's on my diet.  I will admit, yesterday I had a bean burrito from Taco Bell.  I was out of town and had to eat something, so that's what I chose.  But I only ate the one where as a month ago I would have had two tacos and a Mexican pizza with beans substituted for all the meat.  So the fact that just one taco filled me up is a good thing.  Plus, it only has 370 calories, so that's not too bad.

Day 32 Weight: 184 (-8.2 pounds)

Day 32 Food:
Breakfast - Nutrisystem Chocolate Chip Muffin
Lunch - Nutrisystem Homemade Mashed Potatoes
Mid Afternoon - Orange
Dinner - Nutrisystem Pizza
Dessert - Nutrisystem's version of a Snickers Bar

Workout: I've stopped working out completely.  Other than a walk through the neighborhood every now and then, I'm doing nothing.  Which is very odd for me.  I've always gone the workout route for weight loss and not going running or doing some cardio or lifting weights is just strange to me.  But I understand why I can't workout right now and will continue to just go for walks and just watch the weight fall off.

Mmk.  That's it for now.  Thanks for reading!

Days 22 - 24

I've been a vegetarian on and off for the last 10 years or so.  Let me say first off, Animal Rights have never, ever been a reason for my not eating meat.  I love animals.  I grew up, like most people, having family pets; dogs, cats, guinea pigs, fish, and even pigs and cows (the cows were on my grandfather's ranch and were named by a grandchild chosen by age - a younger cousin named his cow Jessica after yours truly, thank you James).  And I've never had a problem with people who hunt dear or quail or whatever.  Again, growing up my father was a dear hunter who killed the random turkey or snake here and there.  There's even a picture of me floating around somewhere of a twelve-ish me kneeling between two dear I'd helped kill and gut. I have no problem with hunting as long as the animal is killed for food and not for the pure thrill of killing a breathing creature.  

So I'm an animal loving vegetarian who is ok with killing animals for food.  Actually, let me qualify my killing animals for food statement.  I'm ok with killing animals for food as long as it's humane.  I think that an animal should be treated right.  Raise it on a free range farm, let it roam around, feed it well, and when it's finally time to slaughter it, do it in the most painless way possible.  Force feeding geese until they literally die from overeating just so that you can have a nice foie gras is not ok with me.  By the way, there is one farm in Spain that humanly raises geese for foie gras, so if you're a fan, please look into where you're getting yours.

So the reason for this whole rant - Today I watched the episode of Oprah where she and a large group of her staff went vegan for a week.  It was a fairly interesting program, but didn't introduce me to a whole lot of information I hadn't already been aware of.  The one part of the episode that struck me though was a video of Lisa Ling taking a tour of a Cargill's slaughter house, a facility that uses the Temple Grandon design of a completely painless slaughter process.  Just about any meat you buy commercially is going to come out of a Cargill's plant and you have to give them credit for letting cameras into their plant to film the process, most plants wont.

Anyway, back on topic, that video really got to me.  Like, really got to me.  Like, made me cry.  Just watching those cows being lead to their death really upset me.  And I'm not sure why.  If what the general manager of the slaughter house said is true, and if Temple Grandon knows her stuff, (which obviously she does if her biographical movie won so many awards) and these cows died in the most unaware, peaceful, and easiest way possible, why am I so upset?  It really threw me.  Like I said, I am fine with people humanely eating meet.  I don't know why this upset me so much.  Odd. Guess I'm just a softie?

And the reason for my vegetarianism is the fact that I'm pretty sure I'm allergic to meat.  My stomach just can't handle it.  It knots itself up and cramps until my body gets rid of the meat either through vomiting or going poo.  I was talking to my best friend's sister who told me that I may be allergic, so I checked it out online and turns out, I do have the symptoms of someone who's allergic to meat.  I never went and got tested, but I did cut meat out of my diet.  I still eat dairy and eggs, just no meat.

I feel like this post is kinda rambling and not very well written, so I apologize if you feel the same.  Now on to today's stats.

Day 24 Weight: Forgot to weigh this morning.

Day 24 Food:
Breakfast - Nutrisystem Peanut Butter Granola Bar
Lunch - Amy's Kitchen Vegetarian Chili turned into Frito Pie
Mid Afternoon - Mom brought me some Mrs. Baird's Chocolate Donuts.  She thought about writing Nutrisystem on them, but didn't.  Don't think bad thoughts about my mom.  She does not condone my bad eating, but I've been talking about these donuts for days, DAYS, so she finally let me have them.
Dinner - Shakeology Greenberry Protein/Meal Replacement Shake with added milk and banana

Day 24 Workout: One of mom's walking videos again, but running instead of walking.

My protein shake - tastes much better than it looks.

See?

Thanks for reading guys!  Have a lovely night!

Day 19-21

Day 21 Weight: 186 - Down 3 pounds (6.2 total)

Day 21 Food: - I ate horribly today.  Feel free to judge me.
Breakfast - Nothing.  Woke up late and new lunch would be soon, so I skipped it.  Shame on me.
Lunch - Taco Salad with refried beans, iceberg lettuce, tomato, sour cream, guacamole, shredded  cheese, and jalapeño. We went to a Mexican restaurant for lunch, but I did not have any chips and queso.  Even though that is probably my favorite pairing ever, I didn't have any.  Even though it was already on the table (complimentary, not left over)  when we got there.  I didn't have any!
Mid Afternoon - Vanilla ice cream, raw peanuts, and Magic Shell chocolate sauce.  I know, I know.  But it's Super Bowl Sunday, a day of national gluttony.  I felt it was my duty as an American to partake in this tradition.
Dinner - Amy's Kitchen Vegetarian Been and Cheese Burrito. I'm out of Nutrisystem dinners that I like, so I had to improvise.  

I finally looked into it, and Yes, you can return the food items you don't like in exchange for something you do.  Good to know, but I should have looked into it earlier cause I can't send in the stuff I have now.  It has to be returned within 30 days and I don't think I can hit that goal.  Actually, maybe I can.  If I'm on day 21 of the diet, then I've only had the food for 22 days.  Ok.  Gonna take care of that tomorrow.

After some more discussion with my father, my workout routine has been modified once again.  3 days a weeks I'm going to either run, or do some form of cardio.  2 days a week I'm going to work on muscle definition; 1 day upper body, 1 lower.  I'm going to slow down the pace of the weight lifting and take the cardio aspect completely out.  The reason I'm taking out the cardio is because I don't want to burn too many calories.  Funny thing to say, I know, but there is some science behind it.  If you burn more calories than you consume, your metabolism is going to slow itself down - just like when you don't eat enough calories.  And since cardio is what burns the calories, I've got to make sure I don't over do it.

I'm having a really hard time concentrating on what I'm writing.  Fergie is in the middle of butchering Sweet Child o' Mine. Which has me wondering.  Who owns the rights to that song?  It was a collaboration of the whole band, each person writing their own part, so I'm wondering if they all still share the rights.  I can't imagine that if it's solely owned by Axel that he would have allowed it being used by Slash and Fergie.

Also, Slash.  You lost some cool points tonight.

Thanks for reading!

Days 16 - 18

So a few months ago, I'd been done right now.  I'd have gone to Austin, eaten horribly, not worked out, and come home and just said, "Sod it all," and fallen right back into the old habits of eating Taco Bell five times a week and whatever else I could find the rest of the time.  But not this time.  Admittedly, it took me a day or two to get back on the strict diet, but I'm doing it.  Yay me!

Day 18 Weight: 189 Not as bad as I thought it would be.  I thought that last weekend would have really done me in and put me right back where I started, if not worse, but it wasn't too bad.

DAY 18 Food:
Breakfast - Nutrisystem Banana Nut Muffin & a raw banana
Lunch - Nutrisystem Black Beans and Rice (didn't finish it, it made my stomach roll for some reason)
Mid Afternoon - Cherries (are there seedless cherries?)
Dinner - Nutrisystem Vegetarian Chili that I turned into Frito Pie with some Fritos and shredded cheese
Dessert - A package of the mini chocolate donuts.  I know, I know.  You don't have to tell me.

Day 18 Workout  None. This cold weather does NOT motivate me to get up and move my booty.

Nutrisystem Food I Do Not Like:
Vegetarian Sloppy Joe Mix
Vegetarian Sausage Pasta
Cinnamon Bun
Vegetarian Lasagna
Cheese Puffs (fake)

My second month of food is in route as I type.  I made some changes to it.  You'll notice that my dinner is going to consist mainly of  Pizza.  Hopefully I don't get sick of it too quickly.

I just want to say thank you again for all the people who view this blog.  I know I haven't responded to any comments, but I read them and I appreciate them.  Love you guys!

Days 10 - 15

Hello, hello.  I'm back.  I apologize for being away so long, hopefully no one thinks I've given up already. Since I've been gone so long, today's post will not be in the normal format.  I'm not sure what I weigh at the moment and I haven't been writing down what I've eaten.  I know, I fail.

The reason I haven't posted since last Thursday is because I went to Austin to celebrate my birthday.  I had a lovely time with my friends to celebrate my 31st year on the planet.  It was a weekend of pampering (got my hair done; I'm blonde once again), karaoke, and Austin food.  I'm not going to lie; I did not stay on my diet this weekend.  I meant to, but I was screwed before I even got into Austin.  I'd planned to take my food with me and eat it whenever I could.  However, me being the horribly impatient packer I am, I failed to toss it in my bag.  I'm really bad at packing.  I always just assume I've got everything I need, but very rarely do I actually have everything I need.  I good about making sure I have everything when I head back home, but that's probably because I didn't really take anything.

So food this weekend consisted of: fake chicken sandwiches, chips and queso, pizza, Taco Bell, and Jason's Deli.  Nope, not on my diet.  



Workout for this weekend consisted of: Waking around the mall, rushing around Target then Ulta then JC Penny's, sitting for 4 hours in a salon chair, trying  not to flinch while getting my eyebrows done, dancing to some amazing karaoke, and cuddling with various house pets while watching movies.

OK.  Big announcement.  I'm going to have to change my workout/diet plan.  After some discussion and a bit of research, I have decided that P90X and Nutrisystem will not work together.  It all comes down to calories.  The P90X literature recommends a diet of at least 1800 protein packed calories while the Nutrisystem diet only provides about 1000 (plus snacking on fruit between meals).  I'm not eating enough calories to take full advantage of the P90X.  So new plan.  I'm going to stay on the Nyrtisystem for a few months.  During this time, I'll concentrate on running and building up my endurance.  Then, I'll switch over to the P90X to finish up and get some toning done.  Hopefully, this will end my gaining weight while sticking to my diet.

Once again,  thank you to all who read and comment and follow.  It makes me feel loved and supported.  Thank you.

Days 8 & 9

Day 8 Weight: 184.6

Day 8 Food:
Breakfast - Nutrisystem Cranberry Granola Bar
Mid Morning - Grapes
Lunch - Nutrisystem Mexican Tortilla Soup
Mid Afternoon - Banana
Dinner - (another) Nutrisystem Pizza (I so wanted to cheat, but I didn't.  But I really, really wanted to)
Snack - Nutrisystem Mustard Pretzels

Day 8 Workout: P90X Plyometrics workout.  According to Tony Horton, the P90X guy, plyometrics is jump training.  All I know is that for an hour he expects you to jump.  Of course he colors it up by doing different exercises, but it's all just beating your quads, hamstrings, and calves into submission.  No joke, it got to a point where my legs wouldn't do what I told them to.  I was stumbling around the living room trying to do a simple jumping jack, but my quads were all like, "Uh... no.  We quit"



Day 9 Weight: 185.4  I was not happy to see that number this morning.  Especially considering the fact that I stood strong and didn't eat Taco Bell last night.  I'm not really sure why I gained weight.  I ate only what I was supposed to and did a pretty good workout.

Day 9 Food:
Breakfast - Nutrisystem Chocolate Chip Muffin
Mid Morning - Banana
Lunch - Nutrisystem Creamy Mashed Potatoes (I totally thought this was potato soup until I got it all prepared and looked at it.  They were really good though)
Mid Afternoon - Pear
Dinner - Nutrisystem Pizza (yes, again.  I only have one left though, so I'll have to move on pretty soon)
Dessert - Nutrisystem Chocolate Chip Cookie (tasted just like any other chocolate chip cookie I've ever had.  Nothing low-cal or diet abut the taste of this cookie)

Day 9 Workout: P90X Shoulder and Arm workout.  16 total dumbbell exercises, 4 shoulder, 4 bicep, and 4 tricep.  This is my favorite workout.  I really want nice, defined arms.  Nothing too crazy like the perfectly shaped diamond tricep that guys go for, just something that looks uber cute in a tank top.


Oh my goodness.  I am so sore today.  No really, it's not even funny.  And it's my entire body, not just my legs or arms, but the whole thing.  Tomorrow is the yoga workout, so that should help.  Please let it help.

As always, thanks for reading and thanks for the support :)

Days 5 -7

This weekend was hard for me (work stuff) and I, honestly, just couldn't be bothered to post.  I didn't write down everything I ate, but I did stick to the diet.  Found a couple of the Nutrisystem meals I don't like.  The Vegetarian Sloppy Joe mix had a really good flavor, but I just can't handle the texture. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, I haven't found a a ground beef substitute I like.  The other thing I didn't like was a Fausage (fake sausage) pasta dish.  I think I can send back the items I don't like for a refund.  I need to check that out.

My co-worker, Sarah, brought me these cranberry, oatmeal raisin cookies today.  Don't know if she's crazy or just evil, but I did not eat them.

She redeemed herself by also bringing dried cranberries and organic almonds.

Things I ate this weekend that are not on my diet are: a bite of garlic bread, a Morning Star Farms fausage patty,  a sour worm candy thing, and a salad when we went out for lunch Sunday.  The salad consisted of spinach, tomato, egg, green and red bell pepper, cucumber, and about an ounce of ranch dressing.

Now for today's stats:

Day 7 Weight: 185.4

Day 7 Food: 
Breakfast - Nutrisystem Banana Nut Muffin
Mid Morning - Grapes
Lunch - Nutrisystem Veggie Chili
Mid Afternoon - Banana
Dinner - Nutrisystem Pizza
Dessert - Nutrisystem Chocolate Crunch Bar

Day 7 Workout: Started P90X all over again.  Today's workout was chest and shoulders.  It consisted of 6 different types of push ups, 3 different types of pull ups (I use the elastic bands because I can't do a real pull up), and 3 dumbbell exercises.  The workout lasted 50 minutes and then I did a 15 minute ab routine.  Tomorrow I will be in pain.

This isn't the first time I've done P90X.  My parents and I started doing this workout last summer.  We stuck with it for about 7 weeks until life got in the way.  For my folks it was football season and work and for me it was a 10 day vacation.  So now I'm starting over.  Good times.

We turned our sun room into a workout area. 

The thing I like about P90X is the fact that it's not just a weight lifting program.  It incorporates cardio and flexibility to promote all over fitness.  Plus, the only way you can outgrow the system is if you get too strong for the weights you have. But even then, you just take your workbook to the gym and use the weights there.  I suppose that could be a drawback as well.  To properly do P90X, you do have to be outfitted with weights and what not.  We had some of the stuff we needed, like some dumbbells and bands, but we did have to expand our collection of both.  We also had to buy a chin up bar.  Then we discovered that we didn't have a good doorway to use the chin up bar, so my Pops and I had to build a door frame.   All in all, cost quite a bit of money.  If you want to go a cheaper route, but like the idea of following a program like this try Insanity.  Both of my brothers have done Insanity workouts and said they've incredibly difficult and that you don't need any extra equipment, you just use your own body mass.

The door frame we built to support the chin up bar we bought.

Mmmk.  That's it for tonight.  As always, thanks so much for reading. 

Days 3 & 4

First and foremost:

Thank you guys!  So many of you have read!  Thank you!


Now, moving on...

Day 3 Weight: 187.8

Day 3 Food:
Breakfast - Nutrisystem (this will be the spelling I use from now on) Orange and Cranberry Pastry Bar
Mid Morning - Banana
Lunch - Nutrisystem Mexican Vegetarian Tortilla Soup
Mid Afternoon - Pear
Dinner - Nutrisystem Italian Crust Pizza
Dessert/Snack - Nutrisystem Cheese Puffs*

Day 3 Workout: I spent the day fighting nausea and a headache, so I went to bed after dinner and didn't workout.  I really should have.  I was crazy stressed out yesterday and working out would have helped.

*The Cheesy Puffs were the first food item that wasn't really good.  They were edible, but not all that great.  Definitely nothing like real Cheesy Puffs.  Kinda like cheese dusted cardboard.

Day 4 Weight: 186.2

Day 4 Food:
Breakfast - Nutrisystem Chocolate Chocolate Chip Muffin
Mid Morning - Banana (Yep.  Another Banana.  I love them)
Lunch - Nutrisystem Black Bean Soup and a Jack In The Box fry stolen from my co-worker
Mid Afternoon - Nothing.  Thought I had an apple, but I didn't.  Boo.
Dinner - Nutrisystem Italian Crust Pizza and a McDonald's fry stolen from my mom
Dessert - Nutrisystem's version of a Snickers. This is my favorite snack/dessert so far.

Day 4 Workout: Tonight I did one of my mom's cardio videos.  Actually it's one I bought her for when her knees are hurting her too much to do the P90X Plyometrics.  It 24 minutes long and they say that if you walk the whole thing you'll have gone about 2 and a quarter miles.  To kick it up a bit, I ran in place instead of walking.

Ok.  Let's talk about the fact that I've lost 6.2 pounds in 3 days.  I don't want you guys to think I'm starving myself or doing something dangerous.  I'm not, I promise.  The reason I'm losing so much right now is because I've cut my calorie intake by at least half and I've probably doubled my calories burned.  Until my body gets used to living off fewer calories, I'm going to lose weight quickly.  Plus there's the fact that I have so much weight to lose.  If I weighed 130 and wanted to lose 10 pounds, it would take me ages simply because my body would have less fat to spare.

Once again, here's a photo from tonight's workout.  Thanks for reading!

Days 1 & 2

Day 1 Food:
Breakfast - Nutri System Banana Nut Muffin
Mid Morning - Small handful of grapes
Lunch - Banana & Nutri System Black Bean Tortilla Soup
Mid Afternoon - Apple
Dinner - Nutri System Veggie Lasagna
Dessert - Nutri System Chocolate Cake Bar

Yesterday was actually Day 1, I just didn't feel like posting my Intro and Day 1, so the weight posted yesterday (192.4 - gross) was Day 1's weight.  I also did not work out yesterday because I was trying to get this blog started.  So yeah... that was Day 1.

Day 2 Weight:  189.6.  Now don't get excited, I didn't really lose almost 3 pounds in one day.  Yesterday I weighed at night after a full day of eating.  You're at your heaviest at night.  Today I weighed first thing in the morning (after using the restroom) which is when you're at your lightest.  So that's why there's such  a dramatic difference in weight.

Day 2 Food:
Breakfast - Nutri System Cinnamon Roll
Mid Morning - Apple
Lunch - Nutri System Black Beans and Rice (I really, really like black beans)
Mid Afternoon - 5 Grapes (Literally 5 grapes.  It's all I had)
Dinner - Nutri System Thick Crust Pizza
Dessert - Chocolate and Peanut Bar

Day 2 Workout: All I did tonight was a 15 minute ab workout.  I spent the day feeling nauseous and didn't want to push it.  I think until my body gets used to eating less I'm going to have to go easy on the workouts.

As far as the food goes, it's actually really good.  Lots better than I thought it would be.  I was expecting some bland but palatable frozen food that I would just have to tolerate. That, however, is not the case.  The food is actually good, so yay!  Makes it much easier to not cheat.

What does make it hard not to cheat is the fact that the portions are much smaller than I'm used to.  Years ago a personal trainer told me that ideally a person should eat 5 or 6 small meals a day. And by small I mean a portion about the size of the palm of your hand - small.  The idea behind that is that if you feed your metabolism every few hours it will hold on to significantly fewer calories because it knows there are more coming.

Your metabolism is a very paranoid little devil who behaves deplorably without you knowing it.  How many time have you heard an overweight person say, "But I don't really eat that much."  Well, that's the problem!  If you don't feed your metabolism enough, it slows itself down and holds onto whatever you feed it. It's going to stop burning calories because it doesn't know when it will get more.  That's actually how I started putting on weight.  I worked in restaurants for years where I worked through the normal meal times.  I ended up eating some sort of breakfast taco in the morning and then again around 4 o'clock in the afternoon and, many days, that was it.  The large gaps between my meals helped me pack on the weight.

Ok.  That's enough for tonight.  I leave you with yet another incredibly attractive picture of myself, this one from tonight's workout.  Thanks for reading :)

Introduction

For the last few (15) years I've been trying to lose weight.  I'll get started on a good diet and workout plan, but then... life... happens.  One small, tiny thing will throw me off balance and all the good habits I've incorporated into my daily routine are forgotten.  It's always something; going out of town, change in work schedule, change in weather, general laziness.  For whatever reason I'll miss one work out, or eat one bad meal, and it's all over.  All the hard work I'd have put in for the last couple of months is out the window and before you know it I'm back to where I started.

So I've decided to open myself up to the world wide web and make my struggle public. I'm hoping that by letting people have access to this blog, I'll be more determined to stick to my diet and workout plan; don't want the embarrassment of failing while the world watches, the world being whoever looks at this.

Each Day I'll list everything I've eaten, what workout I've done, and what my weight is.  Readers are more than welcome to comment; offer encouragement, share tips, tell me to stop being so lazy, just say hi, or whatever you feel like.  I sincerely hope that this time I'll be able to get to where I want to be. 

Starting Weight: 192.4  O.M.G.  Have I really let it get this bad?

Most unattractive picture I will ever voluntarily post of myself

Goal Weight: 140. I tend to weigh heavier than I look (natural muscle) so weighing 140 will make me look about 115 or so with a nice, femininely muscular form .


Diet Plan: NutriSystem Vegetarian Plan plus a nightly protein shake to add the healthy calories I'll need to sustain myself through my workouts.  The shake I'll be using is Shakeology that you get through P90X.  One serving has a total of 72 fruits and vegetables - I didn't even know there were that many fruits and vegetables until I read the info on this shake.

28 days worth of breakfast, lunch, dinner, and dessert all in one box.

Workout Plan: P90X - 3 days of weight training, 2 days of cardio, 1 day of yoga, and 1 day of either rest or stretching.  And I'll probably go running 2 - 3 times a week, probably on the weight training days.  I know that it sounds like a lot, but if I eat enough calories and get enough rest, this program ill actually energize me.  Now if  I don't eat enough calories (the good kind), I'll crash and burn very, very quickly.  It's a very tricky balance.

Ultimate Goal: In October or November of this year I may get the opportunity to hike trough the Himalayan Mountains in Nepal. There is no possible way that I can do it in this shape. In fact, a guide probably wouldn't even take me for fear that I wouldn't survive.  So, just in case I get to go, I have to be in the best shape of my life by October.  I don't want my not being able to go be because I'm too fat.

Think they'll let me swim in this lake once I get there?