I've lied to myself... a lot.

My folks and I spent the last few days in Colorado with my brother and his family.  We had a lovely trip, for the most part, including a trip to the zoo, a cog wheel train ride to the summit of Pike's Peak, a quick look at Garden of the Gods, and a 3rd birthday party for my niece, Bekka.

But we're not here to talk about my mini vacay, so let's get on with it.

I've lied to myself… a lot.

I’m sure that’s normal.  We probably all have truths about ourselves we don’t want to face.  My lie, of course, is that I want to lose weight just to be healthy.  And sure, that’s part of it.  But really, I want to be skinny so I can stop thinking I’m ugly. 

Ok, ok.  I know I’m not ugly.  The rational, sane, unemotional part of me knows that I’m not completely unattractive.  I think I can be classified as cute.  Add in my winning personality and I might just be pretty.  But I hang out with a group of gorgeous ladies.   Gorgeous ladies who are just as smart and just as funny as I am, so my inner beauty gets lost in the abundance of their outer beauty and I feel like the ugly duckling of the group. 

I just want to take a minute right here and directly say that I’m not looking for sympathy or fishing for compliments.  I’m not writing this so that I’ll get comments telling me how beautiful I am.  I’m truly not.  I’m just trying to be completely honest, with both myself, and with you.  With me so that I can get to the root of why I eat the way I do and with you so that you can either get a look at the psyche of a someone who struggles with weight or you can see that you’re not alone.  Ok.  There’s my disclaimer.  Back to what I was saying.  What was I saying?

So yeah, my friends are all stunningly gorgeous.  And sometimes when we go out, I let it get to me.  I watch them get asked to dance and approached by men (both cute and creepy) as I get ignored.  I mean, I've literally stood there as the girl on my right turns down a dance, watched the guy look me over, and then ask the girl on my left to dance.   That hurts.  That really hurts.  And I’m convinced that it’s because I’m the biggest in my group.

So I guess, as shallow as it sounds, I want to lose weight so that men will talk to me.  I wish that wasn’t the case.  I wish I could find someone who likes me in this body, but how can I expect someone else to like me when I don’t like me?

That statement, “I don’t like me,” is misleading.  I like myself.  I really do.  I think I’m smart, funny, loyal, a good friend, rational, driven, adventurous, and a bit daring.  I like me.  I just don’t like my physical form.  Actually, it’s not even that.  I just dislike my belly.  And my double chin. 

So because I don’t want to seem like a shallow, boy crazy female,  I tell myself that I’m doing this (working out, eating better, etc…) just for the health benefits, but let’s get real.  I’m doing it because if I don’t,  I’m scared I’ll end up alone for the rest of my life.  Good times.

This photo of a tree in a field of rocks was taken on the way up to Pike's Peak.  It's amazing how resilient plants (animals, people) can be when faced with less than optimal conditions.  I love this little tree.  I hate to be corny and say it represents me, but... 

Eating makes me feel guilty

It doesn’t seem to matter what I eat, or how much I eat, nine times out of ten I feel guilty afterwards.  Unless it’s something that is undeniably healthy like an apple or something, I’m going to feel guilty for cramming it down my gullet.  Unfortunately, the guilt doesn’t set in until I’ve already eaten it.  It would be much more helpful if my healthy food conscience would stop me before I went through the drive through.

I’ve heard the term “Food Addict” thrown around a few times (fine, I heard it on Oprah, whatevs,)  but I wasn’t really sure if it’s a real thing or if it’s just something fat people with no will power claim to be.  So I did what anyone with a question and a Wi-Fi connection would do; I Googled it. 

Blog shout-outs make Oprah happy.

Apparently it’s real.  Very real.  12 Step Program real.  Huh, who knew?  The website is foodaddictsanonymous.com and their mission statement is, “Recovering together one day at a time from the biochemical disease of food addiction.”  Biochemical disease of food addiction.  Ok then.

I started browsing the website wondering if I’m a food addict.  It would be kinda awesome if I was.  That way I could blame my lack of self-control on a disease. An addiction.  How can I be upset with myself if my food consumption is beyond my control?  My “addiction” could be my scapegoat and my lack of will power can finally be left alone. 

Unsurprisingly I do fit the profile of a food addict.  Shocking.   Apparently a food addict is anyone who yo-yo diets, has a legit eating disorder (bulimia, anorexia,) feels depressed or ashamed about their weight/eating, uses food as a reward or comforter, or avoids social outing because of feeling too unattractive to attend.  That’s me.  I can check off all of those except the eating disorder. 

Ok.  So I’m a food addict.  Now I just need to follow the FAA (Food Addicts Anonymous) eating guide, go through the 12 steps, and get a sponsor, then I’ll be thinner, more spiritually balanced, and happier than I’ve been in years!  Problem solved!

Too bad I don’t really believe in “food addiction” or in any way think it’s a genuine disease.   Sure, their eating guide looks spot on, and it’s always good to have someone keeping you accountable, but I think calling it a food addiction is taking the easy way out.  Like I said, I’d love to say, “Oh it’s not my fault I ate Taco Bell.  I have a disease,” but come on.  Just man up and say, “I ate something I shouldn’t have and I’m going to suffer the consequences.  I’ll try not to do it again.”  Accept responsibility for yourself and take care of your problems.

Of course, like most pieces of advice, that’s easier said than done.  Especially in this society where there’s an excuse for every perceived shortcoming out there.  There’s an addiction, a syndrome, a condition, a chemical imbalance for every aspect of your personality you don’t like.  And of course, most of them are legit.  But, a lot of them aren’t.  Food addiction is one that isn’t. 

Take that, Oprah.

No one goes against The Oprah!